hello my dearest watchers!
First off, I am so so sorry for totally not being active here on DeviantArt.. I really am.. There is just so much happening to me currently. wow.. Basically my life has turned upside down o.o
The most humongous change is that I broke up with my boyfriend. Gosh. We would have started living together from october on... and now after almost three years of everyday talking, texting, etc. its all over. I've met my boyfriend here on Deviantart and we started a long distance relationship.. in one month the days of such a relationship would have been over but yea I ended it... Why? Well I have realized that I am not as deeply in love as I thought I am... I realized that the guy I've spent three years with is actually not my soulmate. How did I find that out? Recently, around a month ago, I have met a guy at a party. We have talked and I dunno, I felt a spark, if I may put it like that. The chemistry between us was just right. However I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. So it remained a friendship. We have met another time, not alone, but with some other friends of him and me. I noticed that I really have a thing for that guy... but still remained loyal so I didn't let him too close. yet. Exactly one week ago, we decided to meet. Just the two of us. So yes. A date. I felt guilty as hell, but needed to find out if I am actually in love with this guy or not. So we met. We basically had the time of our lives. We were at a fun fair. Wow it was so long ago I had so much fun. And before I realized what's happening, we kissed. And guys, that kiss felt like a pure firework. Well the moment did, the moment afterwards I was fighting with tears. I felt like betraying my boyfriend and betraying this new guy... since he didn't know I had a boyfriend... I understood, I have to tell both of them whats going on. So I introduced this guy to my situation, that I have a boyfriend, that I actually would have got an apartment with him in a month, etc.. Of course he was shocked, totally sad... he said that he was so glad to meet me and how awesome I am and so on. After some more talking he told me that he needs some time to think... about everything. I felt my heart breaking apart. So we left. I cried. horribly. As soon as I was home I called my boyfriend and filled him in. I broke his heart. I felt so guilty, I felt so shitty. God I have never felt any worse in my life before. A few days later, I was in a really bad shape. I didn't eat. I hardly drank anything. I lost 3 kilos.. My state was crucial. My mom already wanted to get me to hospital. I was ashamed. I also had to tell my parents about everything. Since we cannot afford that apartment that easily. In the end I decided to give my boyfriend another chance, I mean I gave the relationship another chance. But it just didn't work out. My boyfriend, tried to cage me up. Control me. He wanted to control every step I take. He wouldn't trust me again. What I can understand, somewhat. However, my boyfriend said so horrible things to me. He made me feel like the greatest (excuse me for that expression) whore on this whole planet. I mean I am not a bitch. I won't take that. What do you think?
Anyway, I realized this whole relationship just makes no sense anymore. So two days ago I ended it all. Once and for all. I could again listen to him degrading me the worst way possible. But should I spend my life with someone whom I don't truly love?
And when I just thought I will be forever alone. I received a message from the other guy. We set up a meeting to talk. I was so nervous and afraid. I just met him yesterday. But it all came differently. He was so supportive and loving and kind. He told me that he wants to give us another chance and start all over again. I was so relived. And gosh I am so in love. When I see him, I feel hot and cold at the same time, I start shaking and get to feel a weird ache in my stomach. To be honest I never felt that way with my ex boyfriend... Anyway we decided to take it slow. Slowly get to know each other and see how things develop for us. And gosh that meeting was so awesome. We kissed so often. And each time I felt like being in a wonderland or I dunno.
However, things will get tough for me. Since I have to support my parents financially with the apartment. I will study from october on for four years. Next to that i have to work. and yea. cross your fingers for me that I can cope with everything. I just feel relieved sort of. Not too sad about the broken relationship with my ex.
Maybe I haven't yet realized everything that happened in the past month..
Anyways, I would like to know what you think of this whole situation. Have you ever been in a similar situation? Do you think I acted correctly?
Once again, sorry for my absence. I will be online here more often again. And get back to drawing ^^
Love and Rockets